Jesse A. Schroeder

Reflecting on this trip has caused me to think a lot about Christianity, religion, and the whole "God-thing." My day-to-day life is infused with a lot of "Jesus" - from teaching Bible classes, to leading the music in weekly chapel services, to reading the latest Evangelical books. I get a full dose of Jesus every day. But those daily activities, perhaps simply because they are a part of the daily routine, feel like a shell that encompasses and often stifles the living core of my faith. What I have been reminded of as a result of this trip, is that the very core of my faith is not stable or definable, but it is a chaotic uncertainty that is surprised by finding God in the most unexpected places.

I'm not sure how to tie these experiences together in some powerful blog-like prose, so instead I'll just list some of the places I was surprised to find God in the past week:

• The first was certainly the Transgender Day of Remembrance which I was kindly invited to. I had had a somewhat frustrating day, and as I drove onto campus, I felt my latent anger rising up inside of me, as it often does for no good reason. I knew that I really wanted to be around people in a real way. And as I sat in a church sanctuary with about 200 gay couples of every combination imaginable, I was challenged in the deep chaotic core of my being. I saw more courage, strength, faith and perseverance in the lives of those who shared during that hour than I would describe in my entire life. From the simple confession of a teenage male lesbian, "I'm sure being a woman is great, but I'm not one," to the Zen benediction, "The way you do anything is the way you do everything," I knew that the heart of God was beating strong in that room.
  
• Every year on the retreat, we go to Carter Caves and take the students exploring through small crevices and dark tunnels. It's a great time of getting dirty and feeling adventurous. This year I was with a small group of 3 girls and 1 guy. We went to a familiar spot, started crawling back into the cave, and soon enough we were army crawling for about a 1/4 mile deep into the hills. The cave opened up, and we had enough space to roll over onto our backs so we could rest. We started talking, and I found out that the 3 girls - all students of mine at the Christian school for four years - rarely (if every) went to church because neither they, nor their family were Christians in any sense. They simply attended our school because it was better than public school. As we sat there in the darkness, unable to tell the difference between eyes closed or open, a very poignant honesty sunk in, and we realized that we could be honest with one another.
  
• Later that night, back at the camp, it was time for the annual "foot washing" service. This was something I had started about 3 years ago, but now for some reason was really dreading. I didn't want to set it up, talk about it, or wash anyone's feet at all. But moments before I knew I would have to describe what was going to happen, I felt led to give an invitation to wash anyone student's feet who would let me. The result was about 2 hours of conversation, prayer, foot-washing, and praying words of hope for different students. I didn't expect it at all. I didn't think I had it in me - and I still know that I don't. But from somewhere, something powerful happened.
  
• A day later, a group of students got brutally honest with me, sharing that they didn't feel the "Jesus thing" at all. Singing songs, reading the Bible, talking about God didn't do it for them. But as we kept talking for about 2 hours into the night, I think we all felt something very real happen, where we realized that God was real, and really with us, but in a way that was not what the good Christians were singing, writing or preaching about.
  

I guess more than anything, that it is what I'm trying to get across in this ridiculously long and unorganized post. I'm not finding God in the expected places anymore - church, worship music, preaching, small groups - but he is finding me in very unexpected places. I am more convinced than ever that God is real, but I'm hearing him through the music of life in a way that is different than ever before, and does little to calm the chaotic storm within me. Rather, like a beautifully dissonant chord, he is inspiring me to dance and move for some unknown primal reason which cannot be explained any further than that I just have to.