Monday, April 6, 2009
Holding on so tightly that it hurts
Tweet
We had our monthly "Celebration of the Faithful" with the cohort yesterday, and Nancy prepared a beautiful activity. She placed a nail in our open hands, and then told us to hold on tightly, to squeeze as hard as possible, and to feel the pain of the nail pressing against your palm. She asked us, "What are you holding on to? What is causing you pain? What are you afraid of?"
I thought about the community of Christians in which I work throughout the school year - Grove City Christian School. I love the people there deeply, especially the students. But I have found that in recent months, my love is sometimes too radical, too unconditional, and not tempered enough with the "restraint" that characterizes "good" Christians. I've been questioned, challenged, given strange looks, and asked to be careful about how I show love.
And so I find myself holding on very tightly to my job, holding on tightly to the expectations and perceptions that other people have of me. I don't want to lose my teaching position; I don't want to lose their respect. I want to be seen as a positive influence, as a good teacher, and someone who is doing God's work in a right manner.
But the tighter I hold on, the more pain I feel. I wonder what would happen if I just let go? If I just let the love of Jesus flow through me without restraint? If I was less concerned about what other people thought of me, and allowed compassion, kindness and mercy to be my primary concerns? What if I simply loved student's asses off?
Maybe I would be criticized. Maybe God's love really is scandalous, is offensive. His forgiveness that is true forgiveness for those who do not deserve it at all smacks us in our righteous faces. But I think I'm going to try to let go a bit, not hold on so tightly, and try to love as deeply, truthfully, and honestly as I can.
I thought about the community of Christians in which I work throughout the school year - Grove City Christian School. I love the people there deeply, especially the students. But I have found that in recent months, my love is sometimes too radical, too unconditional, and not tempered enough with the "restraint" that characterizes "good" Christians. I've been questioned, challenged, given strange looks, and asked to be careful about how I show love.
And so I find myself holding on very tightly to my job, holding on tightly to the expectations and perceptions that other people have of me. I don't want to lose my teaching position; I don't want to lose their respect. I want to be seen as a positive influence, as a good teacher, and someone who is doing God's work in a right manner.
But the tighter I hold on, the more pain I feel. I wonder what would happen if I just let go? If I just let the love of Jesus flow through me without restraint? If I was less concerned about what other people thought of me, and allowed compassion, kindness and mercy to be my primary concerns? What if I simply loved student's asses off?
Maybe I would be criticized. Maybe God's love really is scandalous, is offensive. His forgiveness that is true forgiveness for those who do not deserve it at all smacks us in our righteous faces. But I think I'm going to try to let go a bit, not hold on so tightly, and try to love as deeply, truthfully, and honestly as I can.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
This is what our school needs. This is what the school can thrive on. I'm sick of the petty garbage they focus on, if your khakis are from the school store if you're allowed to wear hoodies or not. I wish they realized the pain that some of the kids are in and realized there are kids crying out for help that they don't receive. In a small school setting they should be able to get that attention. Great post.
jesse, you're truly amazing! you're really a gift, lucky grove city kids....
I wish they realized the pain that some of the kids are in and realized there are kids crying out for help that they don't receive.
Thanks Joe - I think this is what really haunts me - realizing that there are students who we are not helping. And in so many ways, that is our only purpose: To come alongside students in their journey through life, and help them become a better person.
Post a Comment