Jesse A. Schroeder

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Have you ever read just the right book at just the right time? Parker Palmer's "Let Your Life Speak" has been that book for me this week. I am coming off of five years teaching at GCCS, punctuated by a surprise dismissal full of uncertainty and frustration, and now fully into a summer of job searches, waiting, wondering and dreaming about my future. Such thinking and living inside my head can really be bad - and so I've been thankful for Palmer's wise words, leading me through the process of discerning my life and the events I've experienced. Certainly these events have an impact on me, but they do not change the core of who I am. Rather, I can look back at my life, and with a careful eye examine the impact between myself and the events I experienced, and start to see the shape of the core of my personhood, and use that knowledge to move forward into my future.

Over the past week, a few lessons about myself have become clear to me. They can be tough to describe, but as this blog is as much for myself as for anyone reading it, I'll do my best and leave it at that.

1. Because my last job teaching at GCCS ended in small controversy over my ideologies, political and theological viewpoints, I began to define myself as someone who created and thrived upon conflict and "pushing the envelope." Even if I think back to high school, I was always causing a scene in class by asking ridiculous questions and refusing to accept the standard answer. It would be very easy for me to allow the situation and how I left GCCS to define my future employment and life focus as someone who will always be pushing and challenging, in a negative way. But that doesn't have to be the case at all. The past situation does not determine my future, but rather I can learn from what I experienced. I can learn that I am a person who strongly desires truth and authenticity, most of all within myself. I do not regret that my convictions brought me to a place where I had to give up what I loved most, namely the opportunity to teach students. But these convictions do not have to result in conflict in the future, rather I simply must find a place and job in which my convictions find a home and I am free to truly be myself.
   
2. I easily project onto other people my own flaws. It is easy for me to look back and blame a dozen other people rather than myself. But the truth is that I certainly have had a role to play in every situation of my life! And it is cowardly to blame others rather than to recognize in myself the causes of the conflict or negative situation. Recognizing these causes within myself doesn't necessarily mean these are things I need to change (for example, my convictions about truth), but I still have to realize that the fault lies within myself if it is anywhere. I refuse to take the path of blame, pointing to others instead of myself.
3. I know that I am a strong leader; however there is a great potential for danger within my leadership. One aspect that Palmer speaks of is using my extroverted personality to cover up my own self-doubt and uncertainties of my identity. I fully recognize that I am very concerned about what other people think of me - and that is a huge danger. Such concern will lead to trying to manipulate situations and people to work out in a way that makes me look good, instead of working for truth and authenticity. I must be willing to be humiliated, to be honest with who I am and my flaws, even when I don't want other people to know about them. A flip side of this fact is that I do not want the events of the past to continue to cause me to doubt myself. I am responsible, yes, but that does mean I have regrets or that my personal value is diminished. In the past year, God has reminded me again and again of the words he spoke to Jesus: "You are my son, whom I love, and I'm pleased with you." These are powerful words that God speaks to all of us. (Henri Nouwen's book "Life of the Beloved" helped me understand this even more).

There are certainly more lessons that I could try to describe, but the underlying principle is that our lives tell us so much about ourselves, if we are willing to listen. And I have to be true to myself so that I can offer myself and my talents to the world. If I am merely trying to replicate what I have seen, or mask my true identity, I will do more harm than good.

I'm looking forward to my future, especially my future with God. One thing that has become clear to me as I've looked back over my life is that I sincerely and deeply love God - whatever form that might take and whatever that might mean at some point in time. But the love of Jesus is a huge part of my life, and I know it will continue to be that way.