Thursday, February 16, 2012
Mourning and The Loss of Love
Tweet
I am in mourning. I recently lost a family member and one of my best friends. But what does it look like, to be "in mourning" in America?
That's the question this article from The Atlantic explores. The authors points out that in the 1800s, the mourning period was years, not days. Family members would wear black, and even cover their faces for months before the mourning period was over. Now, the standard time period is less than a week. In fact, most employers give only 3 days for "in town family bereavement."
My graduate school offers no family bereavement policy. Meaning that I am left to plead my case to each professor one at a time. Really? This is how we deal with the death of those closest to us? 3 days and ask for an extension?
The author of the article writes, "Mourning is murkier now. It is less regulated, less public, less prescribed. The 20th century brought a reshaping of grieving as an institution, transforming it from a public ritual to a private burden and reframing it as something that could be kept, under complete control by strength of will and character, so that it need be given no public expression. Or, more specifically, no time for public expression."
I received the following selection from Thomas Merton from a daily email list, and I thought it described my feelings of grief that day:
"Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value and identity...I cannot find myself in myself, but only in another...Love is not only a special way of being alive, it is the perfection of life. He who loves is more alive and more real that he was when he did not love."
I loved my brother-in-law, and if Merton is right, then I was more alive when I was loving him - hanging out, going to movies, just talking and laughing - than when I was not sharing that love. And so now, as I try to find time to grieve, I realize that I feel less alive, because I have lost someone that I love. Someone who somehow held part of my "deepest personal meaning, value and identity."
And so in a sense, I am grieving not only the loss of Jon, but the loss of myself. Mourning involves discovering a new sense of self. And that's a long process, one that certainly takes more than a few days.
I am in mourning. I recently lost a family member and one of my best friends. But what does it look like, to be "in mourning" in America?
That's the question this article from The Atlantic explores. The authors points out that in the 1800s, the mourning period was years, not days. Family members would wear black, and even cover their faces for months before the mourning period was over. Now, the standard time period is less than a week. In fact, most employers give only 3 days for "in town family bereavement."
My graduate school offers no family bereavement policy. Meaning that I am left to plead my case to each professor one at a time. Really? This is how we deal with the death of those closest to us? 3 days and ask for an extension?
The author of the article writes, "Mourning is murkier now. It is less regulated, less public, less prescribed. The 20th century brought a reshaping of grieving as an institution, transforming it from a public ritual to a private burden and reframing it as something that could be kept, under complete control by strength of will and character, so that it need be given no public expression. Or, more specifically, no time for public expression."
I received the following selection from Thomas Merton from a daily email list, and I thought it described my feelings of grief that day:
"Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value and identity...I cannot find myself in myself, but only in another...Love is not only a special way of being alive, it is the perfection of life. He who loves is more alive and more real that he was when he did not love."
I loved my brother-in-law, and if Merton is right, then I was more alive when I was loving him - hanging out, going to movies, just talking and laughing - than when I was not sharing that love. And so now, as I try to find time to grieve, I realize that I feel less alive, because I have lost someone that I love. Someone who somehow held part of my "deepest personal meaning, value and identity."
And so in a sense, I am grieving not only the loss of Jon, but the loss of myself. Mourning involves discovering a new sense of self. And that's a long process, one that certainly takes more than a few days.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment